summers of vanity

By: Gunakkshi

this summer was loud and glittery,

apple green and espresso sweet;

nothing like summer

four years ago,

phone screen salty and

hands shaky as i called

my mom to tell her of

my greatest sin:

bisexuality. it was fear,

purple and liquid smooth,

addicting and childish too.

this summer i forgot

about my obsession with baby queen,

but two years ago she was

on repeat: popcorn to

a re-run of heartstopper season 1

and the comics

downloaded illegally,

grinning from a glitching

lenovo tab screen, all while

i was thinking over everything

that could've been,

if not for the thin strings caging me,

the stupid quotes

of lame tween bullies.

summer passed a haze,

over boys with short names and

pretty eyes testing my

thresholds of patience,

but one year ago i was

sitting at my table

torn like a pin page

between a girl

i loved in ways beyond me,

and a boy I liked for reasons

beyond anybody:

watching the lines intersect at

their hands stapled together and

me, witness to tragedy.

this summer was me dancing

to Chappell Roan in my bathroom,

wanting to kiss my reflection

in the mirror as she moved

like fear had been swallowed

in the pit of her stomach:

like her centre of gravity had

shifted to a softer, kinder place:

clicking around like a

manual gear in a run down,

cherry red car meant for speed,

for winds, for faraway roads,

meant to revv dramatic,

off into a rainbow-stained sunset.

summer bubbles like

cheap champagne in my throat:

pink and hot with the memory

of everything it fizzles to death;

while every summer is a funeral,

it is also another chance to let

extravagance consume me face-first,

it is testament to

dancing through death, not to it.

every summer is a pinky

promise to be loud and glittery:

apple green and espresso sweet.

I'm Gunakkshi, a queer girl from India, who loves to write, read, research and ramble. This poem is one of my dearest ones as it highlights my journey with being queer in an excessively homophobic culture. In fact, my desire to submit to your magazine led me to write this poem especially for the theme. I hope you enjoy it, and might I say, what a wonderful choice of theme! It was so heartwarming to see something so unique and exciting to write about.